That’s Going To Kill Me

Ancient Cemetary

Someone’s always telling me about the things that will kill me.

Eating too much will kill me
So can not eating enough
Eating eggs will kill me
So will whole milk, heavy cream, and cheese
Eating the little blackened bits from the grill will kill me
But they’re oh, so tasty!
Too much salt will kill me
So, too, will too little
Sugar and caramel coloring will kill me
And Oreos are crack!
Too much fat and red meat will kill me
Don’t eat this, but that

Driving a car will kill me
Even from the back seat
Flying in an airplane will kill me
And only the black box will know why
Driving a motorcycle will kill me
Look twice! Save a Life!
Riding a bike without a helmet will kill me
No one survives childhood without one!
Skydiving, rock climbing, and bungie jumping will kill me
Swimming will kill me.
Rip tides, killer waves, and Jaws!

The flu will kill me
Despite the nagging: get yer shot!
Disease will kill me
Is it genetic or contagious?
Taking drugs to better my life will kill me
Side effects: unexplained muscle pain, tenderness, or weakness; confusion, memory problems; fever, unusual tiredness, and dark colored urine; swelling, weight gain, urinating less than usual or not at all; increased thirst, increased urination, hunger, dry mouth, fruity breath odor, drowsiness, dry skin, blurred vision, weight loss; or nausea, upper stomach pain, itching, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes); abnormal ejaculation, impotence, decreased sex drive, difficulty having an orgasm; suicidal tendencies, death
Going to the hospital will kill me
Medical professionals are not perfect!
Vaccines will not!

Alcohol will kill me
Oh, the trouble I could get into, if I only drank more than two
Smoking will kill me
Oh, the trouble I could get into, if i only inhale
Breathing second hand smoke will kill me
Well, if you believe that, I’ve got a climate change story to sell you

Bugs, bees, and spiders will kill me
As well as snakes and colorful frogs
Bad chicken will kill me
So will bad vegetarian
Coyotes and moose will kill me
And lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my
Carbon monoxide will kill me
So can the mold under the stairs
Earthquakes, lightning, and tornadoes will kill me
Proving Mother Nature’s a bitch

Thugs, convicts, and parolees will kill me
As well as home-grown or foreign terrorists
Working at a gas station or party store will kill me
Or simply walking the downtown street
My family and friends will kill me
And so will my neighbor

And if all else fails, one of these days, old age will kill me.